


9 seconds of Junpei losing faith in humanity

by 6textania



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27326851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/6textania/pseuds/6textania
Summary: At the end of the hallway was a thick, iron wall.To the left and right, other hallways led to the port and starboard sides of the ship, but they were both closed off by thick metal grates.It looked as though Seven was right.The door in front of them was their only choice.A 999 crackfic in which June goes all shits and giggles and Junpei couldn't be any less amused.
Kudos: 10





	9 seconds of Junpei losing faith in humanity

At the end of the hallway was a thick, iron wall.

To the left and right, other hallways led to the port and starboard sides of the ship, but they were both closed off by thick metal grates.

It looked as though Seven was right.

The door in front of them was their only choice.

Seven pulled open the door, and walked in.  
Junpei took a deep breath and followed.

...

...

It seemed that they were telling the truth.

The first thing Junpei saw as he entered the room was the number 9.

The door bearing the garish 9 sat at the back of a rectangular room lit in ominous candlelight.

Junpei grabbed the handle and shook. It didn't budge, but then, he hadn't really expected it to.

The RED was bolted to the wall next to the door. Its display read "VACANT".

Finally, they'd arrived. Junpei felt a flood of emotion wash over him. He felt a chill down his back, and his chest tightened even as his blood began to boil.

He was about to speak, when--

"Junpei. Look behind you."

Santa's voice was flat as he turned around.

Junpei could scarcely believe what he saw. 

There was...

"H-Hey... What the hell... What the hell is going on here...?"

His words came slowly, and his brain struggled to understand what he'd seen.

2 rows of wooden pews filled most of the room. Between them was a stretch of rich, red carpet. The carpet ran straight through the room, ending at the door carrying a 9.

At the other end of the carpet, there was an altar.

It was a recessed space set set into the wall next to the entrance. 

Sitting on a raised section of the altar were... 9 candles.

The wavering flames made the shadows of Junpei and his companions look as though they were dancing.

There were 2 extra humanoid figures rippling like a mirage...

1 managed to procure a physical hand and tap his shoulder.

Junpei would be goddamned if he thought he didn't just have a heart attack, almost squishing the frosting and sponge.

... Snake.

"... SNAKE!?"

He shouted again and a third time when he saw the Ninth Man in a single piece, waving a clammy hand in response.

His skin felt cold and sweaty when he rubbed his forehead after seeing the dead with their guts where they should be.

Junpei felt the gaze of 6 other persons and wondered if they thought him as a madman...

June -- no, Akane Kurashiki -- was giggling.

Clover too, her cheeks becoming rosy pink. The corner of Santa's lip perked as he was biting down laughter. 

Hell, Snake's form was glowing with happy light or whatever ghosts did in the afterlife when they come to haunt you with shit-eating grins.

"Jumpy, do you know what day is it?" Akane hiccuped between fits of laughter.

...

...

"No..."

The last of Junpei's complexion drained away as he came to a grave realisation.

"Jumpy..."

"You have gotta be shitting me..."

"Happy..."

_"I hate you all!"_

"... Birthday!"

Seven popped a cone of confetti and sparkly pink glitter rained down on them all, as well as Junpei's hope for humanity.

Junpei took 9 long seconds to swallow and deny his surroundings.

A chapel.

On the wall opposite door 9 was a long bar of table, assorted with the knick-knacks to be seen at college parties (not that Junpei could speak from experience).

Already, Lotus was dishing out red cups. Ace wore a cone party hat and Junpei knew there was no god, not even in a chapel.

On the solid block of wood was the cake Junpei was stunned by, 9 wax puddles were now solidifying to become part of the frosting itself.

A birthday party. At this time of year. At this time of day. At this part of the country. _Localised entirely within this fake ploy of psychological horrors?_

"Shit, man! Get your ass to the cake, birthday boy!" ushered Santa as the candle wicks begun to die, pushing Junpei's lead-heavy body to the altar.

 _"Your cake to the cake,"_ Junpei thought Akane said but really hoped he'd misheard.

_"Wait a damn minute!"_

To say Junpei was frustrated was like saying someone touched fire and it only "kinda" burned.

"What the fuck. What the _fuck?_ "

"First of all, how the _hell_ are Snake and that guy," Junpei fingered in the direction of the mystery 9th man, "... even alive!?"

"How ungratef--" Snake spoke smugly but was uncharacteristically cut off by Junpei.

"I mean Snake being alive sure, prolly possible, but--" he jabbed a finger angrily at man number 9. "How the fuck does he still have his stomach to get shitfaced!?"

9th man drunkenly waved, most likely the only action the socially awkward man could do. No truth was brought out from the alcohol neither.

"Effects 'n' acting." huffed Santa. "You some kind of 70s kid? Anybody could pay enough to splatter the red stuff on some carpet and recite a few words. Am I right?"

Everybody, minus drunkard 9, nodded.

 _"And you're all in on this!"_ Junpei looked at his hands that swung low in loss. "Unbelievable!"

Ace, balancing the cone in his head, bent forwards to be at eye contact level. "Zero knew you don't have any friends to celebrate your sweet 21st and that's why we're here."

Junpei had never been so offended by something he completely agreed with. 

"Hey Junpei, rant over?" the pink haired girl rested her hands on her hips with an edge of impatience.

Oh, but he was gonna take his sweet, sweet time watching that damn cake become half wax. Clover and Santa even looked a little disappointed as the wick melded into the blue frosting.

"And who's Zero!? Why this goddamn nonary game that's gonna scar me for the rest of my life!"

Akane twirled and his muscles moved themselves to hold her by the hip like a choreographed dance. "Me! Isn't this amazing! I took a very long time to prepare everything, gather everyone, and--"

"But _why,_ " Junpei's voice was reduced to a taken-aback whisper, helped with the combined efforts of having a soft spot for women and it being Akane Kurashiki. " _Why,_ Kanny?"

"Because we're rich!"

It was a joke that only Junpei didn't get. And he was a well-cultured man of stand-up, which is why he didn't have any friends in the first place.

"Well Junpei, if you're gonna court Akane, you're gonna have to deal with me cuz I'm her older bro Aoi and all." said Santa bluntly.

"What," and him and Akane had even less resemblance to each other than Clover and Snake! It was disappointing. Akane, his childhood friend, having a secret family member that he never knew himself as her Jumpy...

"We run Crash Keys and shit. It's a rich organisation and we're bored." 

"Yeah, and I work for Crash Keys so I'm over at this clownhouse." Lotus said dryly.

"Me too," Seven nodded. Junpei felt almost betrayed that his bro-figure Seven was on the side of the lovely Kurashikis.

"Are there any more Crashikis that I don't know about!"

"It's _Crash Keys,_ " Snake rolled his eyelids and raised his hand along with his sister.

"Jeez! He's Crash Keys, she's Crash Keys, you're Crash Keys, _I'm Crash Keys!_

"Well, not me." Ace said with that goddamn hat _still._ "You really don't remember me? I'm Mr Hongou!"

"Oh my god," Junpei recognized his grade school teacher behind that gray mane. "Out of everybody Kurashkeys could've invited to see the failure of my current self, Mr Hongou...?" 

" _Crash Keys,_ " someone said. Who was he? The 9th man? "You know me too, man..." 

"Sorry, no bells are ringing." 

A glint shined through his glasses and he blacked out again. Hongou spoke up. "That's Mr Kubota. It's reasonable that you don't recognized our fine-aged selves, I suppose..." A wrinkle appeared between his brows that proved otherwise.

"Jumpy, you always enjoyed escape rooms and detective novels so I made that dream come true, see?" Akane cutely pinched his cheeks to make sure he was not dreaming and that Akane "Kanny" Kurashiki masterminding the whole fiasco behind that soft smile was the cold hard truth.

"But brashelets 'n' gut exploshives?" Junpei's face continued to be pulled at like dough and started to heat up like baked bread.

"For story purposes! And for authentication reasons."

"A lot of us were theatre kids so it wasn't that difficult," Clover shrugged, her brother and Aoi agreeing as fellow theatre kids.

"And I would've gotten away with it without you meddling _Jumpy_." Aoi threw up his arms sarcastically.

"Don't _ever_ call me that!"  
"Don't _ever_ call him that!"  
Jumpy and Kanny shouted at the same time.

"Sure, sure," Aoi briskly walked to the waxy cake and shouted for something to slice it before it becomes a confectionary-corpse, barking like a chef from hell.

9 slices. Clover had to peel the top layer so it was edible enough for digesting normally and without medical hitches. The cake came and went, shitfaced Kubota's slice stolen by somebody.

***

"Jumpy," the cake with the ninth candle was in her hand. It wasn't like Kubota was going to have it, anyway.

"You have just lost your right to call me that with your elaborate birthday plan, Akane..." 

Despite his silent protests, Akane dragged him by the nape of his unhappy hood. "Well, I've got something better for you!" 

_Oh wow, through the "9" door we go_... the beeping Junpei half-expected to come from his bracelet wasn't there. 

It seemed that none of the other 7 participating Crash Key-ers noticed them slipping through the door. Just him and Akane.

"Sshh! Keep it down will you!" She playfully plopped a hand over Junpei's perplexed mouth. "C'mon, hurry up!"

Akane opened a large metal door that Junpei had never seen before, dragging him inside. "It might get hot, so..."

Almost on instinct, Junpei removed his cyan vest, revealing the sad sleevless hoodie that looked way less cooler without the third layer. "Huh?" He finally said.

Junpei examined his new surroundings. A great metal hall with a ceiling extended to a high dome. 9 walls sided the room into one large nonagon.

It was him, Akane, and this really grand-looking elevator? Maybe this day won't be so bad anymore...

...

...

_Warning._  
_Warning._  
_Emergency incineration command has been acknowledged._

"Wh--"

 _Incineration will begin in_...

... _18 minutes._

If things couldn't get worse, the floor started to move!

The floor opened, and a machine rose up out of it. It looked like... a computer. At least, it kind of did. Basking in the hot red light, the screen began to light up.

What else can he say right now...

"Akane!"

Junpei spun to where Akane was. Was, as in, Akane was no longer there anymore. She was gone...

_"What the FUCK!"_

**Author's Note:**

> well I cant believe I wrote a fanfic where they all trolled junpei lol. happy 999 day <3


End file.
